Anime hog?

My best friend is currently watching a anime that I have stalled. She seems to have connected with the characters already and is sending me snap chats about them. The thing is I watched this anime when I was going through a really tough time. I feel like all the anime that I've wanted to watch she already has and now she's watching this one. I usually am happy to see her watching an anime I have already watched so we can chat about it, but I haven't finished this one and if she does before me I don't think I'll be able to handle it. I don't know why I am so worked up about this but I feel like nothing I do will ever be mine. Like at my house nothing I have is mine and I'm constantly reminded of that. For once I wanted to have something that she didn't already have. An anime she hasn't watched yet... I know I'm being a brat and totally selfish! But I can't stop thinking about her finishing it and leaving me behind. I still have time to finish it but I really don't want to watch it right now... but if I don't she'll end up finishing it and crying to me about how amazing it was. I know some many other anime watchers have already seen it and are huge fans of it but it's different for me when she's my best friend. I feel like I am constantly being one-upped by her; she's smarter, prettier, more skilled, in better shape, better with guys (she doesn't even care about relationships!) Why can't I have one anime, one thing that I've finished before her. Sometimes I wonder why I  act so childish when it comes to her.. I'm not worthy of her friendship. Jealousy isn't what makes you friends, but why can't I stop acting this way? I really hope that one day I can be a adult and act maturely about things like this. If only I wasn't so angry maybe I could resolve this.. I'm sorry.

Housewife

I stare into an empty pan

I wonder what time he will come home

Should I cook his favorite again?

This time I won’t

No time to eat

No time to love me

Business, friends, and his affair

I smell her perfume everywhere

Kids screaming all around

All I can hear is her voice

Is she pretty? Am I not?

I stare into nothingness thinking

Clean, birth, cook

Is this all I’m good for?

She has his charm

I have his socks

Nothing but a woman

Just a woman in a man’s world

Living under his foot

What will I ever be worth?

Just a mere woman with an apron

Just a drunken screw

No brain only a vagina

Isn’t that all they see?

He has her

I have the kids

Loving them isn’t enough

My heart is weak without his

Maybe tomorrow will be better?

Maybe he’ll confess?

Maybe he will finally be faithful

Maybe I’ll be more than I woman

Sixties Queen on the silver screen

Model in the sheets

I am not these things

But I bet she is

Is it that much fun to break my heart?

Does she even know?

Wonder if he opens doors for her

Is the necklace I’m wearing a twin?

How much our we worth to him

I bet I’m a dollar

She’s a ten

And all the money in the world is more beautiful than us

Greedy man, stinky trash

I wish I could leave

But who will tuck the little ones in?

Scare the monsters away for me?

If I go I leave behind what I’ve made

The kids will regret me

What mother takes away such protection?

Am I selfish to think these things?

I’m just a housewife

Nothing to think about here

I should got make the meatloaf

He’ll be waiting for a meal

A letter to Peter Pan

Dear Peter Pan, my name is ____ and I've been curious. Curious about you and curious to see if you could fly to America? I've always wanted to go to Neverland ever since I was a child. If I could meet you I think I would burst into happiness and hug you till you couldn't breath. If you have time can you take me to Neverland? I'm afraid I'm getting older and I can't bare it! I want to stay young with you in Neverland and go on adventures with the lost boys! Just one day would be enough to destroy my bucket list and give my life a whole new meaning. I want to fly, I want to see Tinker Bell, I want to meet you. I do believe in magic and fairies and I will always have faith, trust, and pixie dust! So please can I go with you? Just once?

 -Until we meet, ______

Questions #1

 Is everyone afraid to die alone? Are we all scared of going up to that big white light with no one holding are hand? Standing in eternal darkness all the lonesome? I would be a liar if I said I wasn't. I'm constantly thinking that if I die alone I'll be unhappy and in a state or eternal despair for the rest of my forever. Maybe that's just me and I'm just a hopeless romantic with a heart big enough for two and no other to hold. Am I just the lonely afraid one? Are you scared too?

Confession #1

 I think I anticipate falling in love. I want to have something meaningful and bright that could save me from jumping over the edge. I want to be the plot to a story that every romantic writer has dreamed of. Can I be another half to a dwindling piece? Can be a savior? Can I be the one to be saved? I want Edgar Allen Poe tragic with a hint Shakespeare and a dash of a cheesy twilight books. I want to breakup see that I can't live without him/her, lose all that we had then build it back up. Meaningful Notebook stuff that only movies can make up. If I had that kind of love I think I would have lived a meaningful life. I want to "Love with a love that is more than love."

     Silly huh?

Thoughts #3

  Okay so there is this boy online who is a good drawer and has been through some traumatic stuff with his parents.. I wanted to send I positive message so I said he was a good artist and I hope he has a good day or night or whatever on his tumblr. See I found him through Muzy this art website and his tumblr was like a link so I checked it out because ya know I love tumblr. Does that sound creepy? I don't know sometimes I think I just scare people because I'm me. People don't like me or at least I feel like they shouldn't. I'm not a good person nor a good role model so.. I don't maybe I'm just being paranoid or something..

Thoughts #2

 Sometimes I get really hot and I get anxious that I'll causally set on fire. This happened one time in the mall where I got so hot and I started to cry because I thought I was going to implode or explode or whatever. I still feel like that sometimes and a couple minutes ago it passed my mind causing my anxiety to flare and me having to go to the bathroom. Do people have that happen to them? No only self implosion thoughts but also have to go to the bathroom a lot when they get nervous?

I'm in love with a Vampire

Deep crosses engrave her palms and grungy black ink stains her eyes. Skin whiter than milk decorated by stars and her lips speak sorrow but they look like a daydream. Tan waves touch her shoulders and slowly they curl, she straightens them slowly with the tips of her fingers. Long nails scratch at her skin as she feels stuck and must relive her confinement. Blood trickles down her mouth and her sinister smile sneers at me, I gasp for air. Suffocating me with her deadly tread, slow and steady I turn to face her. Eyes fall onto mine like dwindling rose petals and she stares at me. Lust? Maybe that is what her eyes yearn for, but why does her smile look so weary? As I think of what she is thinking she leans forward and rips into my chest. Ruby rivers spit out of me and I feel deceived. She has ripped out my heart, and I fall to my knees. I look up at her moon lit face and watch her take a bite. As if she was being watched she slowly smirks and daintily chews of a piece. My eyes shutter and the last thing I see flash before my eyes is her eyes. Her dead pan black rose eyes that cut into me like a sword. 

Part of My Stories: Constellations

Constellations. You said that my freckles were like constellations. I asked you why you would compare stars to my facial markings and you said “Because there are so many of them and some are hardly noticeable and some stand out like thorns. But when you look hard enough you notice how beautiful they are, and as if it were normal you connect them into pictures.” “Your freckles are constellations for humans, beautiful natural unexpected art.”

Old Poem: Under Pressure

Breath in. Breath Out.
Calmly know that we are dieing
Laugh at it
Stare into it

Darkness is the glory we bring
Sadness what a sweet slumber
Entranced we stare at the beginning of our end
Here we are again stuck alone in the dark

Floating like a lifeless ship
Broken and misdirected we sail
The water is cold and shivers tickle my spine
Clouds circling above like vultures

Taunting me with black smoke
Rain drips from their eyes and the ship sinks
Down, down, down we go
Drowning in the pitch black hole

Murky water and lifeless wood
Paralyzed in a state of disgruntled thoughts
Falling slowly to the bottom of it all
Pieces that once were whole finally fall

What have I done? I make no sense.

  Yesterday I cut again for the first time in months. I still don’t completely register why, but my heart was beating so fast and my palms where bleeding sweat. I wanted to scream, jump out of my body, and break everything. Take pieces of shattered glass from my mirror and slit my wrists. I wanted to die so bad I could taste the death on my tongue. So I took the old razor from my bathroom and slit up and down my legs and arms. What I thought were just a few cuts were many and they were scattered all over my legs. I was pleased with my work and I sang this Cristina Perry song called the ‘Lonely’ and I just felt like I had finally lost it. I felt like a crazy and delusional asylum patient and I finally felt peace. I had never been so crazy and I never have really let it go. I had held so much in that it felt so good to get it out.

       My arms and legs were on fire, sweet pain it was so good to feel battered and breakable. Losing it once in a while wasn’t as scary as holding it all inside.

   I think I did it mostly not just to get it out but to see if any one would notice I was losing it. See my brother is the center of everyone’s attention because he’s the baby and he’s filled with hyperactivity. So that day I was starting to have some anxiety and I didn’t want to cause more trouble by telling my grandma. I just went and decided to take a break and try to get my heart rate down. It was beating so fast I could hear my chest thumping and feel my self throbbing. I paced around my room and sang as loud as I could to block out the piercing sound of my heartbeat fasting. Then the idea popped in my head; Cut until it stops, lose yourself and bleed the anxiety out. And you know the rest; I got the razor and shredded my body into fine red lines.

     Well I locked my door while doing this and thought maybe someone would try to check on me and then notice I locked the door. See I have a history of self-harm and I am diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression so I am not allowed to lock my door. Stupidly I must have hadn’t closed the door good enough because it shook and opened but no one came in. No one was there to rescue me and clean my wounds. All I want is some shred of love here, someone to tell me “It’s okay, you’re all right” or at least give me a hug? Just show me that I’m still as important as I was before he came. I’m such a child aren’t I? Attention hog, a stupid white depressed idiot with no life. A joke.

     All I want is to be wanted, but no matter what I always push them away with my disease. Sometimes I think I was built to be a used up play thing that only gives happiness when other people need it. I’m just a comfort zone that you step in once in a while to feel whole again. Bless the people who are like this. Used up, washed away, suffering from a desire that is just a dead dream.

Thoughts #1

   You know how sometimes people say what you want isn’t what you need? Well I’m constantly stuck between that; wanting something so bad yet knowing it’s isn’t what I need. In my head everything is so complicated and everything is a meaning with in a meaning with in another meaning. If I could stop those thoughts and just know that it’s all simple and that I’ll survive, maybe I wouldn’t need so much medication. I wish there was a pill that put your mind to sleep so instead of losing time you’d still be awake just not thinking.